It is with deep sadness and sorrow that we announce the sudden passing of our brilliant, extraordinary mother, Carol Henke Haferbier. On January 4, 2025, Carol succumbed to complications of undetected coronary artery disease and an unknown heart defect at University of Iowa Hospitals in Iowa City, Iowa. While nothing but a full-length novel and multiple sequels could even start to describe all that was our mom, please accept this love letter, this disconnected, noncohesive string of thoughts, as we try to capture who our beloved mother was.
Carol Maureen Henke Haferbier was born at Passavant Hospital in Chicago, Illinois on July 1, 1945, the eldest child to Carl and Margaret (Peg) Henke of Bannockburn, Illinois. Carol resided there and attended Bannockburn Elementary’s one-room schoolhouse until she completed fifth grade (or maybe sixth; those dates are fuzzy for us). Her family subsequently moved to Westport Connecticut, attending and, in 1963, graduating from Staples High School where she was honored as a National Merit Scholar finalist (about which she only spoke to correct us that she didn’t win, so it really didn’t matter) and voted best dressed. After high school, Mom went to college for the 1963-64 term at Connecticut College for Women, in New London, Connecticut. After her freshman year of college, Carol moved to Evanston, Illinois to be near her future husband, Michael Sosna, to attend Lake Forest College. In 1964, Carol married Michael, with whom she had two sons and a daughter. In 1967 she returned to New York with Mike, first to an apartment in the East Village of Manhattan and later to the home that she and Mike bought in Brooklyn (which they sold before Brooklyn became “the” place to be).
You may be asking yourself, why would someone from New York choose Iowa, much less Green Island, Iowa? That was a question we puzzled over/threw in her face for many years. Carol arrived in Green Island from Brooklyn in 1972, wanting to offer her three young children the exemplary, high-quality education for which the state of Iowa was known (she would want us to preface that with ‘at the time’), but to be fair, her decision to get as far away from her mother and ex-husband most certainly played a part.
Barely five feet tall, Mom became a huge presence and made a big impact immediately, scurrying around her new non-NYC home, planting a garden and enjoying the more tranquil life that this small, rural town provided. She threw herself into her new community, introducing herself to every person she met and getting involved in the school that her children now attended. When she first arrived in small town Iowa with her Brooklyn, hippie style and her quick clip of an East coast speech pattern, people were unsure of what to make of this big city girl, who may or may not be speaking English because it was so much, so fast, and conversing with such an extensive vocabulary that we are still unsure is proper to use in casual conversation. Much to the chagrin of her children, Carol proceeded to stand out even more by refusing to use paper bags at the grocery store (“Save a tree!”) and opening the first organic food store in the Midwest. Every day of the week, her kids could walk downstairs into what used to be the living and dining room, only to find unfamiliar faces milling around, smelling like incense and patchouli. As cautious as Mom was about so many things, she didn’t seem to be concerned about the strangers lingering around her children, but she was just that trusting. She also never met a hitchhiker she didn’t like (well-except one about whom she was later teased mercilessly). Thank goodness there are laws against hitchhiking now, or surely that would have made for a much different obituary describing her untimely death.
Carol met and married Green Island native, Stephen Haferbier in 1976, with whom she had two sons and a daughter. Carol and Steve bought twenty-five acres of land and built their own log home near the bottoms of the Mississippi, a home she adored and loved for more than 40 years. Carol’s life was all about her children and later grandchildren, and her love was felt by each of us, even if we didn’t always appreciate how she exhibited that love and concern. From the smelly compost bucket she kept in the house, preaching the use of cornstarch and baking soda instead of talcum powder (years before studies were published, before anyone knew, don’t ask-we have no idea), car harnesses that kept us safe before car seat regulations, to sack lunches made with brown bread that crumbled and couldn’t hold the oily consistency of real peanut butter, sugared cereal only permitted on birthdays, brown bags with homemade popcorn sneaked into the movie theater, and the small, boring black and white tv in the corner of the house. With no video games allowed, we were forced to read, sing, practice an instrument, torment her or our siblings, play, create or complain to her about how deprived of fun we were. All her decisions were intentional, filled with love and the desire to protect us. We are so grateful for all of it (other than our envy of others’ color tv and video games). This mom that was honest to a fault, taught us, loved us and when she realized she had more to give, went out and worked in the local school districts as a special education teacher for over forty years, building and directing the alternative high school program and tutoring GED/HSE students up until her passing. Mom went out and spread her love, her joy of learning and her teaching gift with students that were at risk, needed guidance, nurturing and someone who believed in them. Carol Haferbier believed in everyone and would never give up on anyone, even those hard-to-reach students. So dedicated to her students, she could often be found walking up to the highway to catch a ride to school during icy, snowy or any inclement weather that made the gravel roads impassable.
Mom’s laughter came easily, her love unconditionally, everyone was worthy of help, and no one was irredeemable. Mom genuinely cared about everyone, which seems impossible, but she truly did. She was always the smartest, kindest and most giving person in the room and if she knew it, she would never let on. She might have been silently correcting someone’s grammar while gritting her teeth, but that was just her brain, not judgement. Even though Mom knew something about everything and there was no subject she couldn’t speak to, she had the exceptional ability to not sound like a know-it-all, nor make anyone feel embarrassed or uncomfortable due to the wide chasm between her knowledge and theirs. Oh, how we will miss that magnificent mind. As her children and grandchildren, we know and have known how fortunate we were and how unusual it is for one person to possess all the qualities that she did. We can only hope that everyone in the community was able to appreciate and benefit from her special gifts.
Mom loved visiting and attending all her grandchildren’s activities, devoured books of all genres and dreamed of “owning her own library.” She couldn’t be bothered from 4:30-5:00 pm everyday while she was fiercely protecting her winning Jeopardy record. Mom loved to dance, especially when it was a family member playing that music. She had a little hip and arm swing that could not be replicated, and we found it a tad ‘cringe’ when we were younger, but we learned to accept it and dance alongside her. We would do anything to see that spunk, smile and uneven, hop, skip dance again.
Carol leaves behind her children, Scott (Susan) Sosna, Courtney Sosna Bruner, Jeremy (Stacey) Sosna, Jesse (Andrea) Haferbier, Gabriel Haferbier, and Esme Haferbier (Dean Mattoon), her grandchildren, Zade Haferbier and Alexandra, Evan and Morgan Bruner. She also leaves behind sisters-in-law, Marlene Greve, Linda Mangler and Susan Sosna, brother-in-law Peter Sosna, nieces Karen Rowan, Christine Mewhirter, Jen Mangler, Angela Cooper and Jessica Melvin, a nephew Chad Mangler, three step-grandchildren and eight step-great-grandchildren. Blue and Beau, Carol’s rescue puppies, are also at a loss without her.
Carol was preceded in death by her husband Stephen Haferbier, her brother Kevin Henke, her mother and father Carl and Margaret Henke, mothers-and fathers-in law Lester and Leona Haferbier and Shelly and Relma Sosna, sisters-in-law Beverly Cusimano and Julie Cooper and brothers-in-law Jim Cusimano, Ron Mangler and Steve Cooper.
The family will be holding a private memorial to honor and remember our mother. Law Jones Funeral Home of Preston, Iowa will be accepting cards of condolences and other communications from the community. We would love to hear your memories and stories of our sorely missed mother. Texting or leaving a voicemail on her phone is appreciated as well. We never tire of people sharing the impact of our fearless and selfless mother. You may also honor our mother by fostering or rescuing a pet, supporting your local library, advocating for teachers, letting go of judgement of others, hiring or mentoring those students who may just need an extra chance. Read a book from every country (Mom had just gotten started with her list). Take the road trip down Highway 66, go see the eclipse in Iceland. Wear crazy socks. Take the pictures, make the phone calls, say the words and love unconditionally. Just don’t pick up hitchhikers, especially when your kids are in stranglehold harnesses in the backseat and can’t free themselves quickly (It’s ok-we made it).
In lieu of flowers, if you feel so inclined, the family directs you to support any of the following in Mom’s name: The Alzheimer’s Association, NAMI, or The Women’s Heart Alliance. The family also intends to set up The Carol M. Haferbier Memorial Scholarship Fund which will support the very students she worked with every day of her career. Mom believed everyone could learn in their own way, in their own time with a path and trajectory that was uniquely suited to the individual. Mom was unconventional and so were her students. She is no longer here to support and guide these nontraditional students, and we believe that has left a hole. In trying to fill the void the world will feel without her, The Carol M. Haferbier Scholarship Fund will encourage a lifetime of learning for all students. The scholarship is in the process of being established and details will be announced at a later date.
